isolation of pain « Result #3 on Sept 14, 2005, 7:53pm »
I started off just keeping my pain inside But you drew it out of me… All of my anger and frustration You took it away I began using you You were my addiction Like my drug…
I couldn’t let you leave And when I thought I could And when I did I lost control I was right back where I started.
I spoke to you last night You found someone new And left me behind.
The emotions I found were still there. And I began to fall down. The tears rolled And I bled.
Not to get you back Just to feel something I isolated myself… From everyone that half way cared.
The pain is unbearable I can’t live with this much longer Like a murder I kill Just like tonight while I’m on the floor… With this crimson dripping… Down this worthless body… IP:
Dear Journal « Result #5 on Dec 29, 2004, 1:05am »
"I can't run anymore I fall before you Here I am I have nothing else though I try to forget Your all that I am Take me home... I'm through fighting..."
Dear Journal,
Lately the past has come back to haunt me, I can't take the visions I see... of knowing that everything was fine and now...now everything is upside down... I don't understand the pictures that are like a slide show going through my mind, I can't take it anymore...I get irritated at everything... It just seems like everything is slipping away from me... I've become to be a b---- to everyone... I don't try to, I really don't... I just need answers that aren't there, that may never be there. Its not as if he'll ever talk and set that free. I'm so distant from everyone...I hardly talk to my friends I once talked to, most of them hate me anyway. Maybe we just fell apart... whatever it is, I know its probably my fault. I don't even consider hardly anyone my "friend" anymore, it seems they're more 'aquintances' now... half of them I can't see anymore, I'm so blinded by the things that once was to actually focus on reality. My life that once was a story book has fallen into a dark abyss with one light...that always shines, but half the time I don't understand why it is still there. It once wasn't there, but now...its bright and I can see through, but yet I still feel so distant from everything. My body and mind don't even feel like its mine. Sometimes I wonder if this is really me that I'm actually this way. I question so much now...so much more than I have ever questioned. Everything I do I have to stop and think about... Things I used to do without a question. I feel as if I'm trapped and the only way out is to follow the light, but yet I can't grasp it. I need someone...something...to take me out of this...I keep falling deeper and deeper into depression with everything I do...
One last call « Result #7 on Sept 5, 2004, 9:17am »
Looking back on her life reality hits The last piece of the puzzle suddenly fits. She waited her whole life for this feeling When she’s with him her wound is healing Her problems and worries all disappear Pleasure replaces the parasitic fear The emptiness just floats away And she can finally say that she’s ok
But now she sits all alone Waiting patiently by the phone Hoping that one day he will call But slowly her hopes begin to fall The heartbreak starts to take over her brain These haunting memories drive her insane She wipes her tears and buries her sorrow Hoping for a better tomorrow
Pretending to be something she’s not she once was happy but I guess she forgot Outside she wears a smile on her face She hides her fears and leaves no trace Inside she’s dying with each passing day Little by little she slowly decays She needs something more to feel She needs to find a love that’s real
The mixed feelings accumulate She bottles up the remaining hate All her life she's been confused Love just leaves her weak and bruised She doesn't want to be abused Tired of being continuously used cant find what she’s looking for cant find the meaning of love
The time passes, the clock ticks A broken heart she tries to fix But like shattered glass her flesh it cuts Because once again she’s been betrayed And once again she has been played (so afraid) To continue with life She knows she cant win the constant strife She needs to rise above Experience the true meaning of love
Sitting by the window staring at the rain Her heart is filled with anger, consumed by the pain Tears running down her cheeks, thoughts begin to run Now all she has to do, is just reach for that gun Too blind to think straight, her hands begin to shake She wants to pull the trigger and end this constant ache The room is silent, you couldn’t hear a thing And as she pulled the trigger her phone began to ring
If only he would of called sooner Then maybe she wouldn’t be dead If only he would of called sooner Then maybe she wouldn’t have bled But it’s too late and he cant help her now And even if he could he wouldn’t know how Because he never experienced he never knew The meaning of love that is known by a few
My addiction « Result #9 on Sept 5, 2004, 9:05am »
[verse 1] Trapped in the shadows of nightmares and lies Your cruelty, your taunting, its you I despise The darkness creeps over me, It all seems unreal The fears, the scars, I try not to reveal Drowning in the emptiness, im left all alone I no longer feel, my heart is now stone I have lost it all and have nothing to gain Dealt with this heartbreak, suffered from this pain But now a found an alleviation, I found my own cure, my own medication I way to relief the tormenting frustration
[pre chorus] With this knife I end my grief In this knife I find relief
[chorus] Watching the blood flow through my arm I don’t know how I endure so much harm These cuts are a way to release the pain A way to keep me from going insane
[verse 2] Do I feel the pain? Cant you see that I died You think I didn’t see it, all the times you lied You pushed me into this sorrow, buried me with hate So stop fucking trying to save me, don’t you see its to damn late Your words wont make me stop, they just buildup the scorn I can’t mend this broken heart, its just too deeply torn Now im trapped inside the shadows, of misery and gloom Cutting relieves my pain, but it’s my downfall my doom But I cant help it, I’ve become addicted This is my crime, I am now convicted And now I decay, just like you predicted
[pre chorus] With this knife I end my grief In this knife I find relief
[chorus] Watching the blood flow through my arm I don’t know how I endure so much harm These cuts are a way to release the pain A way to keep me from going insane
[verse 3] You say im a psycho, but do you know why Everything I believed in, I found was a lie Cutting is my only hope Watching the blood run, is the only way to cope Dealing with the memories of a haunting past But I cant surpass them, they’re just too vast The scars on my flesh, the scars in my heart The reminiscing that tears me apart I am a slave to the knife It holds my presence. It holds my life This is my weakness, my affliction This is my habit, my addiction
[bridge] The knife’s slipping My flesh ripping The blood dripping (It’s a crime I must pay) The knife’s slipping My flesh ripping The blood dripping (I feel the strain fade away)
[pre chorus] With this knife I end my grief In this knife I find relief
[chorus] Watching the blood flow through my arm I don’t know how I endure so much harm These cuts are a way to release the pain A way to keep me from going insane
Incomplete: Still Under the Same Sky « Result #10 on Mar 28, 2004, 6:52pm »
What is really going on? Tell me whats going on Kerry! I'm sure you know it or else you wouldn't have given me this. I was giving her my saddest puzzled look, but she wouldn't look at me directly. I asked her again, but this time she just took my letter away and ran out the door. I wish this moment that I could chase after her, but my legs aren't helping. All I can do is wish she'd come back in from that door. She had never left me here like this before. I was so tired, and sick, my body collapsed on white bed. My body nor my legs are helping me change my life right now, and so I laid awake on my bed for hours. Maybe God gave me this time to review my past mistakes, big mistakes. HA just laughing to myself to get over the pain as if it helps. My heart is killing me. Maybe my life wouldn't have summed up to a big fat zero if my heart wasn't big enough for two woman. I forced my eyes open to see the big blue sunny sky outside the window. I just wish I can still go out there and enjoy the way I did before.
It is my sophomore year in Brooklyn High School. This is my second year as the Brooklyn High Soccer Team(BHST) leader. Last year as leader I've lead my team to achieve many victories and only a few losses. I think my leadership is good otherwise I wouldn't be the head of 20 members. Harry, Berry, and Cherry are really close friends of mine. I had known them since 6th grade. Harry and Cherry used to be boyfriends(bf) and girlfriends(gf), not until I broke them up in High School. Now guess who is Cherry's boyfriend. That is me. As the leader of Cherry, I got the chance to get intimate with her, learn more about her by training her after school using my extra time, so that we can win in the soccer matches. I warned her many times that soccer is a game for guys not girls but she wouldn't listen. Because of that I sometimes call her my little brother. Then she smiles back at me like she doesn't mind. Maybe she likes the name little brother more than her own name, Cherry. When we went against the team from Lanecoln Park High, I thought about giving up and quit the leader position, because I own goaled my team. The entire team looked at me as if I was in the wrong team, but my little brother walked next to me and told me that if we can win the match, she would give me a nice little warm comfy surprise. It was ridiculously easy to guess what's behind the surprise, but I looked at her like I was a brainless idiot who had no idea. So the match continued fiercely, and ended in a draw. I wanted the surprise right after the match, but she refused to give it till the next day. I sure didn't mind. Then she really gave me it, and later on we were bonded bf and gf. That is all history though, and now back to reality. Every time I see Harry, I was afraid to bring up Cherry's name unless she was there with me. Harry had these arms bigger than the sumo-wrestler's legs. He looks threatening without getting angry. I remember how he almost violently killed a senior the day after we beat Lanecoln Park, because he was drunk. I guessed that happened, because I loved Cherry more than he did, and stole her away from him. But if that is the reason, then he ought to kick my ass first. I couldn't figure out the reason after thinking really hard, so I gave up. That topic was out of my mind. Since Cherry is my gf now, nothing really matters any more. My life is as simple as can be, and our love is as fruitful as I wanted it to be.
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